26 Desember 2007

LATE-GREETING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL

To write about her isn't an easy thing to do. Maybe it is as difficult as finishing my undergraduate thesis. To describe our strange yet beautiful relationship is also confusing. Because some things are best understandable, not undescribable.

(To be honest, i don't know where to start. But i'm sure this will flow as i find how to work this writing naturally.. :P)

I admire her so much: her fighting spirit and her never-ending struggle to take care of her family; and of course her effort to raise her children. Since her husband quits his job, she has been the only one who is in charge financially in her family. Thank God she is gifted in sales-marketing thingy, so that she can earn enough to fulfill the family's needs. Eventhough she doesn't have any degree in those workfields and works independently, she does pretty good and that is another thing i really envy her for.

She has a big problem that's still need to be solved, but i barely hear her grouching or making any excuse. There must be reasons behind it, and i guess one of her reasons is to teach her grown-up kids to be strong and never give-up. If i were her, i guess i couldn't be that tough. And sometimes i feel embarrassed with what i occasionally do: being so low and get easily freaked-out. Everytime i compare her life to mine when she was at my age, i embarrassed myself even more because she could never ask her parents for anything without working her ass on things that can give her money. For example, she sold homemade cakes door to door to pay for her school fees because her parents couldn't afford it (and perhaps you can imagine how to earn more money, even for a handful of candy or new clothes) while most of the time i rely on my mom's --her-- cash for everything.

Yep, she is my mother. A very tough woman whom i always adore and love, eventhough sometimes i get bored with what she said. Call me rude but i am just being honest. I may not always listen to what she says and think that she is overrated, but in the end i still consider her advice as the best because she just knows me very well. I admit that i hate it when she keeps on repeating about her concerns about me or my life; i also get annoyed when suddenly she shows-up in me-and-my-friends'-without-parents-conversation then being to worry or curious about what we will become in next 5-10 years and what kind of boy/girlfriends we have. And i really can't tolerate her when she starts to sound too proud of me or reveal my broken-heart story that is sooooooooooo frickin' interesting to her!

It is obvious that i am no such good daughter. When she experienced hard day after-work and looked for something to calm her down, i was the one who ruined her very simple wish by had a brother-sister fight with my brother. Shouting at each other, yelled at each other and put the blame at each other, you name it! To nobody surprise, she became very angry.

But no matter how much and how often i make her feel bad, she keeps on catching me when i fall. She may not call me everyday when i am in my boarding house, but she always reach me in the right time. Eventhough she happens to be broke, she always gives me the best thing she could offer. She never say "I Love You", but i just know she loves me from what she does.

She takes care of me eventhough i keep shouting at her;
she gives me a wonderful life although i keep asking for more;
she loves me, even when all i do is hurting her...

Dear God, please give her more time to watch me grow into somebody who will make her proud.

Happy mother's day, Mama.

18 November 2007

CAMPUR ADUK

Akhir-akhir ini saya sering merasa kesepian. Saya kangen rumah, kangen papah-mamah, kangen adik, kangen VIP-ers Nestle, kangen seseorang (cant be more specific here, but I guess there will be some posts about him..), kangen Jakarta...


Gejala ini sih kayanya karena saya udah kelamaan di Jakarta. Sejak akhir Juni sampai awal November kemarin saya cuma sesekali ke Jatinangor/Bandung, itu juga karena terpaksa. Terpaksa ngisi KRS, terpaksa perwalian, terpaksa pindahan (welcome to the REAL Bandung!), terpaksa kuliah, terpaksa UTS.. padahal saya lagi betah-betahnya di Jakarta. Di rumah, di kantor sementara, di tengah-tengah kemacetan dan lampu-lampu kota yang terasa begitu hangat buat saya. Ah, semakin dideskripsikan saya jadi semakin kangen sama Jakarta dan isinya itu..


Intinya, saya kangen. Saya belum merasa nyaman di tempat baru ini. Kamar kos baru, "tetangga-tetangga" baru, suasana baru yang entah kenapa makin bikin saya merasa kesepian. Dulu, waktu masih kos di Jatinangor, setiap buka pintu saya ketemu orang: kalo bukan teman sekosan, penjaga kosan, atau sekedar orang lewat. Di sini kalo saya buka pintu, yang keliatan cuma pintu gerbang yang digembok, atau bangunan-bangunan kos lain. Jarang saya liat ada orang yang mondar-mandir; saya juga jarang denger yang nyanyi teriak-teriak atau sekedar ngobrol di depan kamar sambil nyapu seperti di Jatinangor dulu. Akrab, hangat, bersahabat. Walaupun kadang-kadang saya juga sering marah-marah karena orang-orang terlalu berisik.. heheheh.. lho lho, ko malah jadi kangen Jatinangor, sih?!



Yaah.. supaya adil dan lebih nyambung, saya kangen Jakarta dan Jatinangor, deh.. heheheh.. mmm, tapi kalo diliat lebih lanjut sih memang dua tempat itu punya beberapa kesamaan: ramai, penuh dengan orang-orang yang saya kenal, dan tentu saja bikin saya nyaman. Okelah di kamar yang baru ini saya betah, malah semakin antisosial karena terlalu sibuk beredar di dunia maya (maklum dulu Jatinangor belum kenal internet masuk kamar kosan, Alhamdulillah sekarang udah mulai melek teknologi). Tapi, nggak bisa dipungkiri social life saya jadi kurang greget. Okelah saya juga memang suka antisosial, tapi sepertinya kali ini sudah terlalu lama saya sendirian. Bukan masalah status, tapi lebih kepada perasaan 'sendiri' itu. Huhuhuuu jadi makin merasa kesepian.. dan kangen orang-orang terdekat..


Bisa aja sih, saya sms, ngobrol di telepon, atau bahkan pulang ke Jakarta. Tapi entah kenapa saya males. Saya lagi pengen dimengerti tanpa saya harus menjelaskan, berkoar-koar yang cuma bikin haus. Saya jadi pengen semua orang terdekat punya kemampuan telepati, atau mind-reader, deh.. biar tau gimana perasaan saya saat ini. Kalo kata orang, anak dan ibu pasti 'berhubungan'. Memang. Sepertinya si mamah juga ngerti anak perempuan satu-satunya ini lagi low banget. Tapi saya nggak pengen cerita, dan sepertinya beliau juga nggak mau nanya sampai saya ngomong sendiri. Aduuh.. ko jadi ribet, sih? hehehehe.. :P


Ya sudahlah, kayanya udah makin ngelantur, nih. Yang jelas, keliatannya dunia sedang tidak tersenyum kepada saya. Padahal saya udah mati-matian berusaha untuk tetap tersenyum.


I hope this too, shall pass.